Nu? ...you have questions?

I am sure some of you are asking, "When did all this happen?...When did you become a believer in Yeshua?" Well, I have to tell you that I am not quite sure. I believe it was there all along, but like most people in my situation or ..rather..at the place I was ...in my spiritual journey, I denied its existence. I was lost spiritually.

It took some rather odd steps to actually acknowledge my belief and stop worrying what about other people thought...especially my family.

I come from a fairly observant Jewish family. My grandmother instilled in me a love of Shabbat by lighting the candles each Friday night until she could no longer do it; a love of Jewish cooking, from her sweet and sour meatballs to mandel bread, and so much more. My mom brought me to temple every Saturday morning and I also went to religious school....religiously. I wasn't Bat Mitzvah'd until I was 19 years old (a little late, but better late than never), at which time, our rabbi mentioned to me that he thought I would make a good rabbi. I scoffed at this, but it never really left my mind. I couldn't conceive of doing this, not with the questions I had running through my mind.

I thought to myself, even back then, "Whats the difference between a Jewish person and a non-Jewish person other than the belief in Christ?" I wasn't given sufficient answers. But being the "good girl" that I was, I just accepted things the way they were. Knew I was "Jewish" but never pressed for more answers. Trust me, though, the questions were still there. I just never had the guts to look for the answers.

What stopped me, you might ask?

Simple.....the voices in my head.

No, I am not "crazy"...the voices weren't telling me to do something. I am quite sure they were the whispers of many generations of Jews in my family saying "Are you crazy!? Believe in ...Christ?! We just don't do that!" Or the best ones "You will be an outcast...your family will disown you!" So I left well enough alone and ignored the OTHER voice in my head that said "I am telling you what to do...do it! Trust in ME..." Well...I didn't trust in Him.

Many, MANY years later, I was still struggling with my faith. Questions still went unanswered. Then God intervened. He sent me on a job interview. Normally, I would not have answered an ad for a church...it just wasn't what a good little Jewish girl would do. Work at a church? Are you kidding me!? But something told me to, and I listened. That's the day I met Angie.

That's also where my REAL journey began again. Where I finally didn't feel so lost. Through her sermons, her patience with me while I asked all sorts of questions, comparing what I had learned and what I wanted to learn; and most of all, through the way she explained her theology, I was able to take those questions out of my head and verbalize them. Combined with another friend I met..Brian (who is now, himself, an ordained Pastor)..I was able to piece together where my life was going. I finally stopped listening to the "family" and started listening to God.

Now, two years later, I am finally acknowledging my belief and acting on it. I have never been more at peace than I am now. Funny how that works..... I actually found my spiritual compass.

Yeshiva or bust....

The date is September 15, 2009, and I hold in my hands, the acceptance letter into a Yeshiva program. Which basically means that in a period of years (not too many, I hope), I will take my place among those, such as Sally J. Priesand, who became the nation's first female rabbi (1972) and others like her, when I become a Messianic Rabbi. It feels so surreal, even though I have the confirmation to prove it. When all is said and done, I will have a Bachelors in Bible with a focus on Messianic Judaism, a Masters in Theology and if I feel ambitious, a doctorate in divinity. Then it will be on to ordination.

Can you imagine it!? ME?...a Messianic Rabbi!? What would my mom and grandma say...? Would they approve...? I wish I knew...

...fast forward to this morning when I woke up and wondered what I was thinking. I mean, I am 43 years old, changing careers (sort of), and wondering if I can really learn all of this.

I look at the text that I am reading and think, "Can I really do this?" or "What ARE they talking about?" or "Am I smart enough?" or ..the MOST important..."Am I dedicated enough?" I know the answers. I know what other people would tell me. I even think I know what God would say. Faith...I have to have faith that He's guiding me here for a reason. He's led me through so much already that I have to believe...no...I DO believe that He has a plan. It's just so much bigger than I am. I'm just a small piece of the puzzle. All I can say is "Thank you, God, for allowing me to become that piece."