I know its not May and not Mother's Day or Birthmother's Day, but I needed to write this after receiving an email from my childrens' birthmother . . .Mother's Day is unique in the adoption community. There are an estimated 6 million adoptees in the US alone - plus millions elsewhere around the world - and they've each got two mothers: the one who is parenting and the one who gave birth.
Mother's Day, celebrated since the days of Ancient Greece, is observed on the second Sunday of May. And ever since 1990, when it was first celebrated in Seattle, Birth Mother's Day (or First Mother's Day) has been observed on the Saturday before Mother's Day.
Mary Jean Wolch-Marsh first conceived the ideas of Birthmother's Day as a result of her own adoption experience. She knew she was a mother, but didnt feel recognized as such, either by those around her or by her daughter's parents. Remembering the feelings she'd experienced at her daughter's birth - feelings of triumph and euphoria - she used them to help in her own healing.
May Birth Mother's Day bring acknowledgement and recognition to every birth mother who ever loved a child lost to adoption. May it honor and celebrate every mother who became childless after birthing a child, and was forgotten on Mother's Day.
-- May Jean Wolch-Marsh
For birthmothers, the observance can be a time to affirm joys and acknowledge the sorrow, grief, and pain that are a part of many experiences, especially those birthmothers who have "lost" children to the foster care system. It can also be a time to break the silence and release years of anguish, worry, shame, or guilt. The purpose of Marsh's Birth Mother's Day is insight, affirmation, growth and wisdom.
In our family, we recognize our childrens' birthmother all the time. She, unfortunately, may not think that we care about her at all, but we do. She may think that we are cruel to not feel that it is not appropriate at this time for a visit, but we do feel that this is the best thing. Only time will tell, however.
We have made a promise in our family to do only things that are healthy for our family - even if it may not be the right choices for others. So far they work. In time, if our choices are not healthy anymore for our family, then we will change our choices and do what is best for everyone. Until then, however, we do things that are healthy for us - - now.
We believe in being honest with our children and they know that their birthmother has asked to see them and that we have said no - at this time. They have asked why we said that and we explained to them that they needed more time to heal and that their birthmother also needed time to heal and to become someone that they would be proud of. They understood.
So until then, we honor their birthmother each day- not just on Birthmother's Day - because without her, we wouldnt have our wonderful gifts - our children.
In our family, we recognize our childrens' birthmother all the time. She, unfortunately, may not think that we care about her at all, but we do. She may think that we are cruel to not feel that it is not appropriate at this time for a visit, but we do feel that this is the best thing. Only time will tell, however.
We have made a promise in our family to do only things that are healthy for our family - even if it may not be the right choices for others. So far they work. In time, if our choices are not healthy anymore for our family, then we will change our choices and do what is best for everyone. Until then, however, we do things that are healthy for us - - now.
We believe in being honest with our children and they know that their birthmother has asked to see them and that we have said no - at this time. They have asked why we said that and we explained to them that they needed more time to heal and that their birthmother also needed time to heal and to become someone that they would be proud of. They understood.
So until then, we honor their birthmother each day- not just on Birthmother's Day - because without her, we wouldnt have our wonderful gifts - our children.
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